12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want For Christmas
by MyTeenageDream
Summary: A little drabble everyday until Christmas Eve about the things the Death Eaters buy the Dark Lord for Christmas...Whether he wants it or not...Rated T for Voldemort's potty mouth and Bellatrix's dirty mind.
1. Day One

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Okay, so I want to post one of these everyday until Christmas Eve. They probably will all be really short, and the gifts towards the end are much better than the beginning, as well as the Death Eater giving the gift.

With that said, on with the fic =D

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><p>Day One<p>

_On the first day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A calendar?"

Voldemort flipped through Crabbe's gift.

"M-my Lord, it's not JUST a calendar. It's a Death Eaters calendar!"

"...A Death Eater calendar..."

"Y-yeah..." Crabbe grabbed the calendar and flipped to January. "See? That's Bellatrix holding the Muggle we killed for New Years!"

"Oh, yes...I remember that one! And that's the family we killed for St. Patrick's Day. I charmed their skin green to be festive!"

The two flipped through the calendar for awhile.

Then they got to December.

"Oh...um...er...I forgot about that one..."

The picture for December was a horribly Photoshopped image of Voldemort laughing and pointing at the dead body of Harry Potter.

"You...fucking...MEANIEFACE! Now I feel BAD about how LITTLE I accomplished this year! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"M-My Lord! I-I had to send everything to the printer back in October! I assumed this whole 'Harry Potter' thing would be over by now..."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"


	2. Day Two

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

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><p>Day Two<p>

_On the second day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A year's subscription to Playboy..."

Goyle trembled as Voldemort glared at the magazine, face full of confusion.

"M-my Lord, Playboy's a Muggle magazine. Still, it's very...intriguing..."

"I am NOT reading a fucking Muggle magazine..."

"It's more than a magazine, though...Just look through it..."

Voldemort flipped though the pages.

"This is full of naked Muggle women."

"Y-yes, my Lord. Do you like it?"

"...no..."

"I thought this might happen..." Goyle muttered as he pulled out another gift.

"This is the same thing."

"No, er, it's a year's subscription to...Playgirl..."

"Playgirl?"

"Playboy...only for girls...and some boys..."

"I am not gay."

"Oh...Well, I thought I'd play it safe and get both...You never did show anything interest in Bellatrix...Even when she was practically ripping your robes off...And that time where she got drunk at the Death Eater's New Years Day Party and actually did try and rip your clothes off..."

"Don't remind me."

"So did you like my gift?"

"Fuck no, Avada Kedevra."

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><p>Sorry it was so short. Hopefully the rest will be longer!<p> 


	3. Day Three

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

* * *

><p>Day Three<p>

_On the third day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"Tickets to next years Quidditch World Cup"

Barty Crouch Jr. smiled, slyly.

"Yes, My Lord. I can assure you that these are some of the best seats in the stadium."

"Did it not occur to you that it is not in my best interest to go out in the open to cause death and destruction, much less for a annual sporting event?"

"That is why I planned for us to go together. We shall do as I did last year. I had my house elf sit next to me and save the seat."

"Yes...Well, I guess we're going to the Quidditch World Cup next year. Maybe we can kill more Muggles. I heard you did a fine job of scaring everyone last year."

"Well...I did do a pretty good job!"

"I'm actually kind of excited now!" Voldemort flashed a rare smile.

"There is more to your gift, My Lord."

Barty pulled out another small box.

"It's for while we wait for the Quidditch World Cup! It's...well, you'll see."

Lord Voldemort stared at the box before opening it. _Please don't be a spa weekend...Wormtail gave me the most horrid gift last year. The massages were the most awkward things ever. Of course, all of the masseuses insulted my precious nose so I killed them and Wormtail insisted on giving me the massage... Merlin, PLEASE don't be a spa weekend._

It was worse. As in, it was so disturbing, Voldemort wished he was back at the spa.

"Tickets to the midnight premiere of...Breaking Dawn?"

Barty smiled. "I thought the sparkly vampire might remind you of that spare we killed back in the graveyard...Fredric?"

"Avada Kedevra!"


	4. Day Four

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

This one going to be a little different then the last three…Hope you like it!

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><p>Day Four<p>

_On the fourth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A stage?"

The Carrows beamed at Lord Voldemort as he glared at his gift with confusion.

"There's more my Lord," giggled Alecto.

"We've taken the liberty of preparing a performance for you," added Amycus.

Suddenly, Snape appeared on stage.

"Snape. Snape. Severus Snape."

"What is this shit?" Voldemort asked.

"Shhh! Wait, it gets even better!" Alecto replied.

"Snape. Snape. Severus Snape."

"Dumbledore!"

"I need my wand."

"Watch the show first, My Lord. Alecto and I have worked very hard on it."

"Ron. Ron. Ron Weasley. Ron. Ron. Ron Weasley."

"Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. Hermione. Hermione."

"HARRY POTTER! HARRY POTTER!"

"GIVE. ME. MY. WAND!"

Everyone ignored Voldemort's cries for his wand, which the Carrow's had hid and planned to give him after the show.

"Snape!"

"Harry!"

"Snape!"

"Harry!"

"Snape!"

"Harry!"

"Dumbledore!"

"WHAT THE FUCK! WHY IS THE OLD DUNDERHEAD NAKED?"

"Hermione..."

Voldemort was fuming by the time the song ended. The only thing keeping him from blowing the entire room to tiny, nargle-sized pieces was the thought that he would soon be able to kill the Boy Who Lived.

"Thanks for your help! Bye!" Amycus and Alecto waved goodbye to Dumbledore, Ron, Hermione, and Harry, who were slowly recovering from the unforgivable curse that had been placed on them. The four gave them a look of confusion as they ran away.

Voldemort was not impressed

"You. Complete. MORONS! I thought you were going to let me kill them but NO!"

"It's Christmas, My Lord!" Amycus smiled.

"Yeah, have some Yuletide spirit, Voldy!"

"Avada Kedevra!"

Amycus fell to the ground.

"Avada. Kefuckingdevra."


	5. Day Five

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

This one is, well, interesting...It explains a lot about why Voldemort is doing, well, what he's been doing for the last four chapters =P

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><p>Day Five<p>

_On the fifth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"Meow!"

"Dolohov, You _special_ person."

""I picked the fluffiest one I could find, My Lord!"

"Well, it is kind of...cute..."

"Yay! I-I mean, I'm glad you like my gift."

Dolohov and Voldemort played with the kitten for a while.

"I think I'll name it...Fluffy McMeowFace..."

"A, erm, wonderful name."

"Oh, Fluffy McMeowFace, we're going to cause so much destruction together! We'll burn towns down and torture Muggles and kill people!"

Voldemort pulled out his wand.

"M-My Lord, what are you doing?"

"Oh, Dolohov. I'm _obviously_ going to kill you."

"Why? I gave you a gift you actually liked!"

"Well, the author is trying to create this running gag when I kill at least one Death Eater at the end of each chapter, and I can't let her down."

"..."

"She _is_ paying me good money to scream things like MEANIEFACE and play with cats..."

"I don't understand…"

"You don't have to."

"Meow!"

"AVADA KEDEVRA!"


	6. Day Six

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Sorry I missed yesterday! My dad got home from a long business trip so I spent my day with him instead. It actually worked out, though, as I realized that I am meant to be anything but a math person, and started this story a day earlier than I should of if I wanted to finish on Christmas Eve=/ This one is

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><p>Day Six<p>

_On the sixth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A flea collar?"

Greyback smiled.

"Yes! Don't you love it? It even has rhinestones!"

"What could I possibly use a flea collar for?"

Greyback thought for awhile.

"You don't get fleas?"

"No."

"Oh. Well, erm, them I guess I'll take that and, um, get you another gift..."

"No, you don't have to. I have a better idea."

"You always do, My Lord!"

"Of course I do! I'm intelligegent and smarticle and not to mention a genieus! How could any ideas I present to the world not be the greatest words ever uttericated in historicalicness?"

"Um...your intelligence, er, intelligegence is so high it flies right over my head..."

"I know right? Well, do you want to hear my idea?"

"Er, yes?"

"Are you sure?"

"Uh...sure."

"Are you really really REALLY super sure?"

"Of-of course..."

"Avada Kedevra!"

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><p>Sorry that was so short...I feel kind of bad now considering you had to wait an extra day for this...=

And yes, Voldemort's, erm, _intelligegence_ isn't spelling errors. Well, they are, but...=P


	7. Day Seven

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Thanks for all of your reviews! I came up with this idea over the summer, but I wasn't sure about writing it, as I struggle to keep up with deadlines. All of your wonderful feedback has, not only kept me writing and posting this story everyday, but has inspired me to continue writing. I have a few more stories in the works, some of a similar nature to this. I've been on FanFiction for a long time, and my writing, not to mention my interests and opinions, have evolved so drastically. Sorry for the really long Author's Note, but I wanted to tell all of my beautiful readers how much I appreciate ALL of them and the fact that they've taken the time to review my silly little story. =D

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><p>Day Seven<p>

_On the seventh day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A gift card to Build-a-Bear Workshop?"  
>Yaxley smiled. "Where best friends are made!"<br>"This is...well, Cat? What do you think?"  
>"Meow?"<br>"I thought his name was..."  
>"I changed it. Cat was easier to remember than Fluffy McMeowFace..."<br>"O-of course, My Lord! I was just thinking that we should go to Build-a-Bear before they close."  
>"Whatever, Yaxley. I <em>do <em>want to get that one bear from the catalog, and I want to make sure they don't run out..."

"I-I'm sorry, sir. We don't have the bear you're looking for..." a bored young employee smirked at the, obviously out of place, Dark Lord.  
>"THEY RAN OUT <em>ALREADY<em>?" Voldemort cried.  
>"What were you looking for, My Lord?"<br>"The Beary Evil Bear! Oh, this is just PERFECT! They're out of those adorable stuffed chainsaws too..."  
>"Chainsaws? Wait, I thought you hated Muggle tools..."<br>"Yaxley did you not read the Official Death Eater Handbook? If you did, you'd know that it says, and I quote, _'Lord Voldemort despises all Muggle technology, with the notable exception of the chainsaw and AK47, which remind him of his favorite spell.'_"  
>"I-I guess I skipped that. I never thought we'd deal with Muggle items..."<br>"Yaxley, you don't know what you're missing. Chainsaws are the SHIT!"  
>"...Of course they are."<br>"You know what I can do with a wand that I can't do with a chainsaw?"  
>"What?"<br>"Avada Kedevra."


	8. Day Eight

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Everyone who gets my references in this chapter gets COOKIES! =P

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><p>Day Eight<p>

_On the eighth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A unicorn?"

Draco gasped.

"Why is Glitter McRainbowHorn BALD?"

"You're worried because he's bald?"

"Yes! What happened to my poor little unicorn?"

"Actually, I was impressed with your gift. Now I don't have to go out tonight to find dinner..."

"Wait till my father hears about...WHAT?"

"What are you worried about?"

"You're going to eat my gift?"

"Um...no?"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You sure."

"Yes."

"Positive?"

"YES, DRACO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

"..."

"Okay. Now that that's over, you may leave."

Draco didn't move.

"Are you going to eat my gift?"

"What if I said yes?"

"I'd cry."

"I'm going to eat your unicorn."

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! NOT GLITTER MCRAINBOWHORN! TAKE ME !"

"Maybe I will…I'm bored."

"M-m-my p-p-poor little b-bald unicorn…"

"Avada Kedevra."


	9. Day Nine

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

If you noticed my Starkid references last chapter, you get cookies =P For everyone who's seen A Very Potter Musical/Sequel, I know those were Dumbledore's lines, but they _do_ sound like things Voldemort would say...Or at least _my_ Voldemort...

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><p>Day Nine<p>

_On the ninth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A nosejob?"

"Yes, My Lord. I was told that I was difficult to look in the eye because my nose was in the way. I thought you might, erm, want to become more attractive than you...uh...already are..."

"So you, Severus, are going to get a nosejob?"

"We're both getting a nosejob."

"Is this your way of insulting my nose?"

"Um...no?"

Voldemort tried to look into Snape's eyes. However, whoever told Snape he needed a nosejob was right. It was hard to look into to the deep black orbs that were Severus Snape's eyes when his giant beak was about to poke your own eyes out...

"Okay! When should we go?"

"Now?"

"Perfect!"

"Which nose do you want?" the doctor asked. He pointed to various images of noses.

Voldemort starched his imaginary beard.

"I want Snape's nose!"

"WHAT?"

"Er, what about this one? It would definitely look a lot—"

"I want his nose."

"Why would you want my nose?"

"See, I was thinking earlier about your nose. Sometimes killing people with he killing curse gets boring, but if I had your nose, I could change it up a little!"

"How?"

"By stabbing people. With my nose."

Snape tried to not look as offended as he was.

"My Lord, that idea seems rather...foolish..."

"Snape, I want your nose."

"You're not getting my nose."

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not."

"Doctor Scam! Take his nose immediately!"

"I don't think that's how it works, My Lord."

"Too bad. I'm taking your nose."

"I'm sorry, but I can't give you my nose. Even if I wanted to, how would I get it off of my face?"

"But if you wanted to..."

"Unfortunately, I'm still using it, My Lord."

"Not anymore..."

"What—"

"Avada Kedevra."

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><p>It killed me to kill Draco and Snape, but I had to do it. PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!<p> 


	10. Day Ten

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Sorry for any format or grammatical errors. I'll edit this tomorrow, but I wanted to get this out.

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><p>Day Ten<p>

_On the tenth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A wig?"

"My Lord, it is made out of unicorn hair. I found the unicorn on my property and thought I should give use it for your gift."

"Well that explains your son's gift..."

"My useless son?"

"Yeah, that little shit, Draco gave me a bald unicorn. I ate it for dinner."

Lucius thought for a moment.

"That sounds disgusting."  
>"It's evil and delicious!"<br>"Nice. So do you like your wig?"

"Hmm..."  
>Voldemort put the wig on.<br>"It looks great on you..."  
>"I know right!"<br>"Um...yeah."  
>"Except, I don't think white is my color."<br>"What do you mean, My Lord? Every color fits you."  
>"Yes, but this makes me look kind of...pale."<br>"Pale? No! You look—"  
>"See, Lucy, spent my summer doing two things: killing Mudbloods and tanning. And killing Mudbloods."<br>"Yes, the wig really brings it out—"  
>"I suppose...Still I think a more colorful wig would make me look more beautifucal!"<br>"B-beautifucal?"  
>"Yeah! Like that rainbow wig I saw at that costume store...You know, the one we got the Death Eater masks from?"<br>"Of course, My Lord. I'll get you on of those wigs."

Later, Lucius stood in the Dark Lord's presence holding another wig.  
>"Ah, good work, Lucius! It's the rainbow afro wig I wanted!"<br>"I'm glad you like it, My Lord."  
>"Yes...Now, go buy my another wig. This time make it one of those Lady Gaga ones. Yellow and platinum, two toned, like in her Telephone music video with Beyonce. Oh, and while you're out, get pick up my Single Ladies leotard. I forgot to pick it up from the dry cleaners."<br>"...as you wish, My Lord."

"NO LUCIUS YOU FAILURE!"  
>"What did I do wrong?"<br>"You-you YOU GOT ME THE WRONG GAGA WIG!"  
>"I—I'm sorry, My Lord. I thought this was the one you wanted. And I thought you hated Muggle music..."<br>"I do. Lady Gaga is MAGICAL! I mean, how else would she write songs about unicorns and rainbows and glitter? She's just like chainsaws and AK47s!"  
>"Okay..."<br>"I'll have to kill you for insulting my love."  
>"Your...love..."<br>"I LOVE LADY GAGA!"  
>"Okay, I'll just exchange the wig and—"<br>"Avada Kedevra."


	11. Day Eleven

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Almost there! I can't believe this is almost over...

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><p>Day Eleven<p>

_On the eleventh day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me…_

"A bracelet?"

"It's a friendship bracelet!"

"A...friendship...bracelet?"

Wormtail nodded, happily.

"You're my best friend!"

"But I don't like you."

"Oh..."

Wormtail looked like he was about to cry.

"Fine, you're my friend...Mostly cause I can't handle crying children, much less grown men..."

"YAYAYAYAYAYAY!"

"Shut up."

"Yes, My Lord!"

Voldemort sighed and picked up his favorite book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Evilology. Wormtail smiled.

"MHMHMHMHMH!"

"Wormtail, when I said 'be quiet' I didn't mean 'be even more obnoxious by muffling your voice'."  
>"MH...I-I mean, s-sorry..."<p>

Voldemort ignored the fat man.

"M-my Lord...May I speak?"

"You just did."

"Oh! Well then, erm..."

"Are you going to say something, RatAss, or should I start ignoring you now?"

"Um, I was wondering if you were...uh..."

"Spit it out!"

"I wanted to know if I was, well, your friend?"  
>"Friend?"<br>"Friend!"  
>"...friend..."<br>"FRIEND!"  
>Voldemort and Wormtail stared at each other for about twenty minutes.<p>

"I'm not your friend."  
>"WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY? WHY?"<p>

"Is it something I said?"

Wormtail cried.

"Seriously, RatAss, shut the fuck up. _This_ is why we can't be friends!"

"I-it is?"

"...Sure..."

"So if I didn't cry over everything, we could be best friends?"

"...No..."

"Why not?"

"Because not only do I hate everyone, but I also get a kick out of killing those too close to me."

"What?"

"Avada Kedevra."

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><p>One more chapter...Then I'll have to think of some other crazy story to write =P<p> 


	12. Day Twelve

The 12 Things Voldemort Does NOT Want for Christmas

Well, I guess this is the end. Thanks SO much for all of your feedback throughout this story. I can't tell you how much all of your support means to me. I know I'm starting to sound cheesy, but every review, favorite, and story alert is like an early Christmas present. Speaking of which, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, if you are Christian, and a Happy Holidays/Random Days in the Winter Off if you're not.

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><p>Day Twelve<p>

_On the twelfth day of Christmas, my Dark Lord got from me_

"...Bellatrix...do I _want_ to know what these are?"

"Yes, My Love!"

"You mean, 'My Lord', right?"

"No!"

"Erm, why not?"

"Because I LOVE you Voldy!"

"...Voldy..."

"That's my special name for you! You must have one for me!"

"I don't. Mostly because I don't like you."

"I know you don't like me."

"You do?"

"Yup!"

"Well...good...I-"

"You LOVE me!"

"Yes, I'm glad you…Wait WHAT?"

"I LOVE YOU LORD VOLDEMORT!"

"Please stop Bellatrix."

"But I LOVE you!"

"No. Shut up. I am unloved."

"But_ I _love you!"

"You misunderstand me. When I say 'I am unloved', I don't mean because no one loves me. It is by choice. I fucking hate everyone."

"Okay...EXCEPT FOR ME!"

"No. I especially hate you."

"So...did you figure out what you do with my gift?"

"Something tells we I don't want to know..."

"Guess!"

"Erm...I really don't know..." Voldemort pulled a oddly shaped object out of the large bag. "It looks kind of like a...no..."

"A..."

"It's not."

"It is!"

"It _better_ not be."

"It is!"

"BELLATRIX!"

"Merry Christmas, love!"

"You know what, Bellatrix."

"You wanna use your new toy?"

Voldemort went through the bag and pulled out a pink fuzzy whip.

"I might use this..."

Voldemort began whipping Bellatrix, who giggled.

"Fuck, this isn't working...I don't get it! Isn't this supposed to cause PAIN?"

"Chains and whips excited me..." Bellatrix sang.

"You leave me with no other choice...I know you're kinda my last Death Eater, or at least the last one whose name I remember, but still..."

"That was fun! We should play with your other gifts! OMG! What if you used that dildo to-"

"You know what would be more fun?"

"What? Using that vibrator to-"

"The quiet game."

"..."

"..."

"This isn't fun!"

"You know what is fun?"

"Sex?"

"Avada Kedevra."

"And a happy new year..."

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><p>Well, here's the last chapter. Thanks again, and I hope you read some of my other stories. I'm so glad you enjoyed this story...And if you didn't, I'm glad this is the internet so you can't use the killing curse on me from wherever you are…<p>

**_Although its been said many times, many ways,  
>Merry Christmas to you <em>**

**PS: By "Merry Christmas" I'm also including other holidays. So Happy Christmas, Merry Kwanzaa, Jolly Hanukkah, etc.**

**PPS: I LOVE YOU ALL!**

**PPS: Sorry for all of these extra useless notes. I just REALLY don't want to end this story just yet...Not after spending four and a half months figuring out how I was going to get this done.**

**PPPS: Cats are fluffy. **


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